Ep.21 A Message for Pastors & Clergy: Supporting Betrayed Spouses Well with Nick Stumbo

Jul 28

On this episode of BRT, we have a special guest, Pastor Nick Stumbo. Nick is the Executive Director of Pure Desire Ministries and has an extensive background in pastoral ministry. He began his ministry career at East Hills Alliance Church in Kelso, Washington, where he served as lead pastor for over a decade. Confronted with his own pornography addiction, Nick and his wife, Michelle, found hope and healing through Pure Desire’s counseling and group ministries. His public disclosure led to a revival of forgiveness and healing within his church, and he continues to lead the way in helping churches become places of healing.

Episode Description: In this episode, Kris, Jenn, and Nick share a powerful message for pastors and clergy on effectively supporting women going through betrayal trauma. Using the analogy of how a paramedic would treat a severe wound, they provide six key steps for clergy and support personnel to follow:

Key Highlights:

Assess the Severity of the Wound - Listen to Her: Nick emphasizes the importance of actively listening to the betrayed spouse, believing her reality, and displaying genuine sympathy. Show kindness and care to provide solace during her crisis.
Stop the Bleeding - Focus on the immediate need, not the marriage. Avoid cause-and-effect thinking and allow her to express her emotions and needs at her own pace. Asking "permission questions" will help the clergy better understand her urgent concerns and priorities.
Bandage the Wound & Stabilize the Patient - Educate Her About the Healing Process. Inform her there is a healing process, and she will not be alone. Don’t Rush Forgiveness: Understand forgiveness and avoid minimizing the situation. Guide Her in the Present: Help her focus on the "now" and provide comfort and hope. Teach the Keys to Rebuilding Trust: Discuss sincerity, ability, and durability as crucial elements of rebuilding trust.
Treat for Shock - Normalize the Experience: Minimize isolation, emotional flooding, and embarrassment by providing community and helping her deal with emotions. Provide Community: Connect her with others who understand her situation and can offer support.
Support the Injury - Offer Support: Provide resources, encourage her to grieve, help her establish a circle of trust, and teach the importance of healthy boundaries.
If the Wound is Too Severe, Call 911 - Ask for Help: Refer her to trained professionals like CSATs, PSAPs, CCPSs, and C-SASIs for specialized support. "When in doubt, refer out!"